So I'm across the street at my friend LJ's house a couple weeks ago...

Okay, so I'm one who regularly has some pretty fucked up dreams, but this morning's was unique. Right before I woke, it cut to commercial break mid-dream. Now, that's something new. Not only did it cut to commercial break, but I was in the checkout at the discount store at the time, shopping for shoes and dissatisfied with the results. Then, suddenly, this booming 'announcer voice' breaks in with:

COMING SOON! JOHN TRAVOLTA AS ROCKY IN YOUTH GONE WILD!!!

and up jogs rocky, only it's John Travolta circa Welcome Back Kotter or possibly Staying Alive*... He's got the 70's midlength hair... the sweatband on his head... and there's a bunch of kids rolling around in the grass screaming about leeches in the grass. Oh, and Travolta is doing the "Rocky groan" the whole time.

"Euhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

It's really sad when your dream is so UNexciting that it has to cut to commercial.

*Staying Alive was directed by Sylvester Stallone. Go figure.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If you are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return...

"That’s funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn’t she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can’t return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air...

Dear single submissives,

I realize that the search for the dominant of your dreams is sometimes a long, and frustratingly uphill battle. I can’t wiggle my nose and make all your fantasies materialize, leather-clad and trailing a whip, but maybe I can help you a little bit in your search. First of all, it’s really nice for a prospective partner to be able to see a photo of you. If you have a web cam, you can pretty easily have a picture. Here’s how:

1. Start your web cam in messenger, but don’t invite anyone.
2. Find the print-screen key on your keyboard ("prt scrn" on mine) and have your finger on it, but don’t push the button.
3. Pose for the camera, or just sit there and look stupid, or whatever, but I suggest looking mildly attractive. *wink* Oh, and don’t point the camera at your crotch. Really. If someone wants to see a picture of your crotch, and you’re willing to show them one, let them ask for it.
4. Hold your pose and hit that button.
5. Open your favorite graphics/photo editing program (if you don’t have one, go to Start>Programs>Accessories>Paint).
6. Press Ctrl+V (paste).
7. You’ll see an image that looks just like your desktop did at the moment you pressed the button. Crop it down to just the "picture" in the web cam display window.
8. Save the file as a jpeg image, and voilà! A picture of you, ready for upload.

Secondly, an introductory email speaks better of you when you use complete sentences and are attentive to spelling, punctuation, and capitalization, etc. For example, it’s much more important to capitalize the beginning of the sentence than it is to capitalize words like "You" or "i", as some prefer to do. Where spelling is concerned, if it’s not your strong suit, use a spell-checker. I realize that some websites don’t have one built into the email interface, but you can download one that will work on almost any site. Make a point to note the places where your spelling was incorrect, and practice using the proper spellings. Punctuation is important as well, and especially when you come to the end of a sentence. Remember that this moment is your one chance to portray the expression behind your words. If you’re asking a question, for example, the recipient of your email would immediately know it, because there’s a question mark (?) at the end.

Another thing to pay attention to is your grammar. Some may argue with me on this point, but if you’re unsure, I suggest writing things just like you’d say them. If you’re more likely to say, "Me and my sister are going out to eat at 6," then write it that way. There’s no point in writing, "My sister and I are going out to eat at 6," if you’re not going to practice the same grammar when you’re actually speaking to the person. It’s obviously beneficial to be correct, but more important, in my opinion, to be real. If you want to improve your grammar, practice good grammar in your speech and your writing. If someone you’re corresponding with points out an error, make a point to absorb what you’ve learned and then put it into practice. (If someone takes the time to help you in this way, it’s nice to thank them.)

I can’t speak for your personality, play experience, or BDSM lifestyle qualifications, but I can hopefully help you better convey them to a prospective dominant. I truly wish you success in your search.

Sincerely,
Miss Stephanie

p.s. If you’re looking for a good spell-check program, I recommend one called ieSpell. It’s free, which is also nice. If you need a picture, but don’t have a digital camera, scanner, or web cam, take a snapshot of yourself to any Kinko’s location. They’ll scan it for you and put it on a disk.

Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantyliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

a.. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
b.. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
c.. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
d.. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain function of a male.... right???

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female is on her damn period!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

(No, I didn't write this.)

This message is for all you folks out there who insist on sending me email messages that have my address in the To: field, right smack in the middle of a long list of your other contacts' names and email addresses. I'm not keen on having my email address published at random, regardless whether or not you trust the other people you're sending to, and they probably aren't, either.

You might think that it's not a big deal, but when you send a group e-mail without using BCC, it's usually not just going to be seen by the people you send it to. They will send it to their friends, and they will send it to their friends, and it goes on and on until all of those e-mail addresses get in the hands of 'evil doers.' Then our e-mail boxes get filled with tons of unwanted e-mails including those tricky e-mails designed to get your credit card number and other personal information.

As others have said many times before, treat e-mail addresses like they are private phone numbers. Don't ever give out another person's e-mail address without his or her permission. That includes filling out forms at web sites that encourage you to 'tell a friend.'

(from Your E-Mail Responsibility - Possible Truth)

I don't know most/all of the other people you sent the offending email message to, and I would prefer not to see my email address glaring at me 3 forwards deep on some piece of crapmail one day. Please don't take the fact that I sent you this personally, just learn from it. Anyone who does this to me is going to receive the same response that you're reading right now. It's important. I'm tired of spam. I still love you, I promise.

Stephanie

Use BCC field when addressing mass mail
(from Use BCC)

PLEASE READ and become a better E-mail user. This information is intended not only to make you a neater "E-mailer" but one that is more considerate and more thoughtful... Your friends will be thankful.

Would you write your friends' phone numbers on the walls of public places? If you answer no, then why would you share their private E-mail addresses with a group of strangers, many of whom will CARELESSLY forward the same addresses to even more strangers? Don't do it! Instead, use the BCC feature of your E-mail program.

BCC means Blind Carbon Copy. It is a way of addressing mail to more than one person so that everyone's address is not displayed for all to see. Every E-mail program (including the free, web-based E-mail services) allow you to address messages using BCC, in other words, to "BCC" one or more recipients. Some require that you provide at least ONE address in the TO: field. If this is the case, place YOUR OWN address in the TO: field and all your recipients' addresses in the BCC field.

WHY:

• Using BCC protects your recipients' E-mail addresses from being spread to strangers.
• Using BCC helps prevent SPAM (Unsolicited Commercial E-mail)
• When using BCC, messages will be easier on your readers because they will be smaller, with fewer addresses on each message.
• They will download faster and will use less bandwidth.
• Using BCC shows your consideration of others by not publishing hundreds of your friends' addresses to strangers and potentially, SPAMMERS or maybe even stalkers.

---

How to BCC:

• AOL does not have a dedicated BCC field. To send mail via BCC, place addresses and screen names in the CC field surrounded by parentheses. For example: (billyg@msn.com, SteveCase, lunchmeat@spam.net)
• Outlook Express: To turn on the BCC field:
  Create a New message and choose View, All Headers.
• MS-Outlook: To turn on the BCC field
  Create a New message and choose View, BCC.
• Netscape Messenger: To send via BCC, type the first address, click the To: button on the left of the name and choose BCC from the drop-down list. After pressing ENTER, each subsequent address you type will be Blind Carbon Copied.
• Lotus Notes - the BCC field is right there. Nothing to "turn on", no hoops to jump through, just use it!
• Juno Mail - Juno versions earlier than 3.0 do not allow BCC. However with Juno 3.0, the BCC feature exists and works just like AOL. There is no dedicated BCC field. Instead, place alias/nickname, mailing list name, or e-mail address in CC field and surround entire collection in parentheses.
• WebTV - does not have a bcc feature.
• Most web-based email programs (such as Yahoo! Mail, Gmail, Hotmail) are intuitive enough to figure out. Something saying "BCC" is usually staring you right in the face.

I got into bed last night and was frustrated to find that although the blanket was evenly centered on the bed, the sheet only came to the top edge of my side of the mattress, before I was under it. I said something to Napoleon about the sheet not being straight on the bed (he always fixes the covers - well, usually, anyway - before he gets into bed).

He replied, "Oh, I thought it was," (which in Napoleon-speak translates as "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I'd gotten the sheet over far enough on the bed," or, possibly, "I really wasn't that concerned about it because I'm tired and you should stop trying to talk to me when I'm falling asleep," and I then explained the current placement of the sheet and how it was therefore insufficient coverage because I have mass, and take up space.

I quickly followed by pointing out that it was more space than I'd like to be occupying, but not enough so as to inspire my doing anything about it. But then again, I do want to do something about it, I just can't afford the Curves class I'd really like to take. I'd like to be able to exercise in an environment where neither my neighbors nor concrete come into play.

That got me thinking about exercise equipment. More specifically, a treadmill. I'd really enjoy running on a treadmill barefoot, but I don't know if they'd let me. Maybe they'd be more receptive to the idea if I offer to clean the treadmill afterward. But how the hell do you clean a treadmill?

*I think you should turn it on, spray the belt until the whole thing looks wet, then take a towel and carefully, so as not to get the towel stuck in the treadmill, wipe it on the forward end until the whole thing looks dry.

*giggles wickedly*