Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantyliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

a.. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
b.. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
c.. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
d.. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain function of a male.... right???

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female is on her damn period!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

(No, I didn't write this.)